I’m five days clean today, and in many ways everything feels like I am experiencing it anew.
I am riding the pink cloud, big time. I am trying hard not to worry about what happens if (when?) the pink turns to grey, while also trying to be real with myself and gather some tools to keep me on the right path.
Enter the recovery playlist.
Music has always been a driving force for me, and it’s saved my life a million times over. Whether it’s beautiful melodies and voices, or lyrics that cut right to the heart, I am counting on music to, once again, work its magic.
Survivor / Destiny’s Child
Beyoncé’s “fuck you” to an ex-lover is my “fuck you” to my addiction. (Which, I guess in some ways is like an ex-lover, come to think of it.) I feel incredibly empowered when I sing along with this part in particular:
Now that you're out of my life, I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you, but I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you, I laugh harder
Thought I wouldn't grow without you, now I'm wiser
Thought that I'd be helpless without you, but I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you, but I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you, sold nine million
(I haven’t sold nine million of anything ever, but you get the idea.)
I Got A Name / Jim Croce
Beautiful melody? Check. Soulful vocals? Check. A feeling of serenity, and promise, and freedom whenever I hear it? Check.
Movin’ ahead so life won’t pass me by.
You Get What You Give / New Radicals
Another upbeat, hopeful-sounding song that helps me believe I‘m gonna be OK.
But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light
You feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give
Solid / Ashford & Simpson
And for love’s sake, each mistake, you forgave…
I heard this song in the grocery store when I was first toying with the idea of getting sober. It made me think of my husband and all the ways that the secrecy and darkness of this affliction affected our life together, and how frightened I was to come clean with him. But for love’s sake, each mistake, he forgave. I’m so grateful he did.
I Can See Clearly Now / Johnny Nash
I’m just gonna leave all the lyrics here, because every word resonates. I have listened to this one every single day for weeks now. First, hoping I’d feel this way, and now, reveling in feeling this way.
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sunshiny day.
I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been praying' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sunshiny day.
Look all around, there's nothing' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothing' but blue skies!
Gonna Fly Now (“Rocky” theme) / Bill Conti
Come on, it’s the Rocky theme! This music makes me feel like I can do anything.
I think I'm hitting a meeting tomorrow,
Although last time AA was a little overwhelming for me. I feel readier, healthier than before, so maybe it will feel different. Take what I need and leave the rest, as they say.
Julie
Julie is a 40-something professional, married with a soon-to-be 10-year-old son. She has recently come to the realization that her decades-long Vicodin and marijuana use are keeping her from living the life she could be living.
In her own words, "I'm ready to live differently, and I think I'm already starting, even though I haven't stopped yet."